A marriage is the blending of two extended families. Your marital bliss is largely
dependent on how you handle the relationship with your in-laws, and continue to foster harmonious relationships between your beloved and their own relatives.
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: Amazing - I've always wanted to be a romantic - thank you!
Browsing Posts published by Paul Toschi
Marc Ostrofsky, the author of “Get Rich Click” tells of a conversation with his wife -
“Honey, if I had no money, would you still love me?”
“Oh, yes, darling, of course I’d still love you! … I’d miss you, but I’d still love you!”
I know one shouldn’t generalise and make it a hard-and-fast rule that it’s a husband’s job to be the primary breadwinner. However, throughout history there seems to be a general consensus that a woman needs the security of a man who is able to provide for the basic needs of the family unit.
A woman’s need for financial security has been the subject matter of countless jokes and cartoons, and men need to sit up and take notice – to realise that if they want their marriage to be affair-proof, this aspect of the relationship needs their focused attention.
Of course there is a tendency for men to become workaholics, and to be taken completely by surprise when their wives and children express their dissatisfaction with the relationship – “but I’ve given you everything you’ve ever wanted!”.
It’s a difficult balancing act. We are told to provide generously for our families’ needs, and at the same time to give each individual our love, care, attention and support. We’ll discuss this further in subsequent articles and try to provide some practical guidelines to benefit your family’s harmony while providing for their material needs as well.
Treasures Old and New
Today my friend Brian stopped by, and we spoke about what is meant when the prophet Amos foretold that there would be a “famine of the Word”.
It means that people in our generation are hungry for the truth, but most people don’t see the truth when it’s right in front of their eyes. How many millions of books have been written? How many millions of people have left a rich legacy of experience and what they have learnt from it? The distilled truth of the ages is free for the asking, by simply selectively picking up a book and reading it.
I noticed a sign on a bookstore window in Mt Eden:
“There is only one crime worse than burning books – and that is not reading them”
How very true. How tragic.
People who are starving for truth are settling for junk food. It’s so easy to turn on the Boob Tube when you arrive at home and absorb the infantile drivel that’s dished up. “Oh, I just watch the news!” Exactly. No wonder you’re an idiot, following the slanted garbage that passes for journalism on TV. How can you ever form your own opinion when you are led by the nose down whatever path the media wish to lead you?
And what has this got to do with being a loving, nurturing spouse, parent and friend? It means that when you fill your mind with positive, upbuilding thoughts;
“whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
.. you will leave a legacy of wisdom, and will empower those you love with a love of truth, a love of good literature, and the power to recognise toxic nonsense whenever they encounter it.
Empower your children! Give them the gift of reading – what greater gift can you give to a child?
Is your life characterised by: joy, contentment, peace, serenity, patience, love,
compassion, security, fulfillment, purpose, acceptance and kindness?
Or is your life such that when people see you they think of: envy, bitterness, anger, jealousy, complaining, hatred, blaming and vengefulness?
And even if you’re successful at masking these emotions from your friends and colleagues, how do those closest to you, your family, see you?
It’s been said (don’t ask me who did) that happiness consists of just three things:
a sense of security, a sense of belonging, and a sense of purpose
and we will be exploring these concepts in these articles.
What has emotional health got to do with a healthy love relationship? A whole lot. When you’re struggling with emotional issues, you’re inclined to be very inward-focused, rather than focused on the person you love. You can only really minister to someone else out of your overflow. If you can find a way to deal with fear, depression, anxiety and escapism, you will be a delightful partner to someone else, rather than a constant drain on their emotions. It can make all the difference in the world.
A good resource for you in your search for emotional health is one that I’ve found pretty good:
This is a series of ebooks and audio resources that is extremely comprehensive. Click here for more information on this system, which is available now at a ridiculously low introductory price of $9.95. I have purchased the series, and have used it very effectively in counselling members of my family and others.
I studied engineering at university – ’nuff said. I am not Italian. (My surname is Toschi, but that’s actually my wifes’s maiden name. My Father, a senior police officer in British colonial Africa, wasn’t exactly a flamboyant ladies’ man, bless his heart, and so I didn’t have much of a role model. I’m South African and my natural bent is to make war, not love.
So why I am I writing about romantic love? Because I discovered that incurable romantics are not born, they are made.
So what’s the secret? It’s making a choice to be a romantic and simply studying what that means and getting on with it.
It’s also important to be completely sure of your male identity. Why? Because if you’re not, wearing colourful clothing, rejoicing in the fragrances, sights, music and tastes of the fulness of life might cause you to worry about being effeminate. On the contrary, your male-ness comes to full bloom, as it does in the animal kingdom, where the males of the species are the most exotic, colourful and exuberant of the genders.
Guys, it’s worth every bit of time that you invest in becoming a romantic, loving husband. It’s fantastic to have a wife who looks forward to being with you, who delights in your company, and tells all her friends how fortunate she is to have you!
I discovered a really helpful web resource that helped me tremendously. Here is one resource that I have found particularly helpful.
Dating ideas – for single or married couples
The world’s most romantic, unique and fun dating ideas.
Hand tying ceremony
From the earliest times in our human history, the covenant of marriage has been a cornerstone of society.
There have a number of variations on the theme: the “trial marriage”, in which the two people live together for a year, and then have an opportunity to change their minds and separate, free to choose another. The only exception would be if a child had been conceived, in which they would remain married. Then there are “arranged marriages”, in which the respective parents negotiate the match, sometimes with the couple meeting briefly before the ceremony, or sometimes not meeting at all until the ceremony takes place. As marriage is practiced in Western society, the couple meet, court, are betrothed and then marry, with very little reference, if any, to the parents or other family members.
Some common elements are: vows, tokens of marriage (hand tying, rings …), the provision of a dowry, the payment of a bride-price, a civil or religious ceremony, the testimony of witnesses, the role of a minister, magistrate or celebrant, a celebration and feast, and the consummation as a seal of the covenant.
Why has marriage always been considered a non-negotiable part of the fabric of society, and why has that changed?
I think that every person is made in God’s image, and our behaviour reflects that image. Every religious system, culture and society instinctively has certain common denominators which reflect God’s character: a moral code that condemns murder, theft, falsehood, bondage and unfaithfulness. A system of covenant agreements for adoption, business transactions, betrothal, marriage and tribal loyalty. Rites of passage, e.g. birth, puberty, maturity and death. Punishment for breaking agreed-on rules could be death, flogging, compensation, bond-service, humiliation, imprisonment or banishment. Health regulations for disposal of human waste, dietary laws and infection control. These are just some of the things that are common to every society in every age.
Particularly in Western culture, many of these norms have been thrown out, with horrifying results. We have loss of identity, overcrowded prisons, addiction, sex-slavery, fractured families, lack of commitment, a refusal to accept responsibility, a blame culture, isolation and loneliness, suicide, fraud, corrupt courts, a huge divide between the rich and the poor, a hunger for spirituality that is not being satisfied because churches no longer have answers, neighbourhoods like war-zones and a prevailing attitude of utter despair.
Jesus used many parallels to explain God’s kingdom. His people are a flock, an army, stones in a building, members of a living body, a family, a priesthood and more, but the analogies that most powerfully illustrate God’s relationship to His people are those of adoption and of marriage.
God’s relationship to His people is one of inviolable faithfulness on His part, a promise never to forsake us, a covenant sealed in His own blood, His choosing of His bride, His provision, His protection, His gracious love which does not depend on our performance but on His infinite unconditional compassion.
When we despise the marriage covenant, we are proclaiming a lie about what God is like. He is not fickle. His love for us doesn’t depend on His feelings, but on His promise, His decision to love us forever. We need never fear His desertion. As His children we will never fear our Father walking out on us.
Husbands, love your wives
God commands men: “Husbands, love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her”. We ignore this opportunity to bless our families at our peril.
It’s not too late to save our societies. Let’s start by entering into a covenant of faithful love with our wives. If we don’t start here, nothing else will ever work.
Marriage vows and wedding vows
Unfriendly 'hood
I’ve read a number of articles in which people complain about the loss of a friendly neighbourhood, no longer like it was in the “good ol’ days”.
I’ve had similar experiences in some areas we’ve lived in – loud thumping music, bad driving, knock-down and drag out arguments, drunks throwing up, dogs digging up our garden, cats propagating with vocal accompaniment, cars knocking over our mailbox and the like.
My natural instincts as a male are to retaliate and to isolate ourselves from others, but it’s not good to force my wife and kids to become isolated, to circle the wagons and to snarl at my neighbors, just because that’s my default mode. After all, they spend a lot more time in the neighborhood than I do.
For my family’s sake I’ve taken Jesus’ words seriously – to “do good unto those who despitefully use you” to “not repay evil with evil” but repay evil with good. When it’s trash collection day, we’ll bring the neighbor’s wheelie bins in along with our own. When we get freebies of dishwasher powder in the mailbox, we’ll give it to someone who has a dishwasher (we don’t have one). We offer to empty others’ mailboxes when they go on vacation. My wife will invite a woman, who’s been beaten up the night before, over for a cuppa and a chat. We started a neighborhood watch and organised a getting-to-know-you block party. We give a lady a ride to the physiotherapist after she injured herself and totalled her car (it was her own drunken fault). We help people find their lost puppy.
Things are starting to change. Slowly. Very slowly. But change nevertheless, making the place my precious family spends most of their time in a neighborhood we can someday be proud of.
Goodwill!
Don’t let your selfish attitudes ruin the ‘hood for the whole family. Be a benediction to the neighborhood, and you will reap a harvest of good will. Trust me.
Henry David Thoreau said, “Most people lead lives of quiet desperation, and go to their graves with the song still in their heart.”
Statistics (for what they’re worth) tell us that “the majority” of people are locked into a life of drudgery, working at something they just don’t care about so that they and their families can survive another day.
Is that your story? Maybe it isn’t. If your life is fulfilling and exciting, it’s easy to lose sight of the quality of life your loved ones may be experiencing.
Perhaps it’s time to talk to your spouse and your children about their hopes, dreams, passions and goals. It may even mean your taking on more of a slog job to give your spouse an opportunity to study, to be equipped for something more in line with their talents, or to tide them over while they launch into something risky, but challenging and soul-satisfying.
Don’t let life pass the ones you love by, don’t leave them with a lot of “what-if’s” or “if-only’s”.
Talk, listen, make the hard decisions and sacrifice if you need to.
If you don’t, you might just come home to a desertion note, or worse, a suicide note.
Paul
Land your dream job by Joel Garfinkle
IT’S MORE THAN A JOB – IT’S THE FULFILLMENT OF A DREAM
Readers are guided through a proven, seven-step action-oriented process that helps them define and land work that matches their natural gifts and passions.
A big, cold castle
“A man’s (and a woman’s) home is their castle”
But a castle can be a huge, cold, forbidding place, even though it is by nature a place of safety.
A person’s home needs to be a nest. Of course it needs to be a safe place. It also needs to be a place of comfort, a cozy place, a place where the values of kindness, faithfulness, mutual delight, honesty, healing, encouragement and acceptance make for a warm glow and a place of peace and serenity as well as a place of joyful noise, dancing, creating, music, laughter and wise counsel.
Home sweet Home
Having said that, I realise that it doesn’t have a whole lot to do with decor, interior decorating, art collections, quality canned music or expensive materials. It has everything to do with the kind of people who populate the space called “home”.
The only basic requirements for a home are a comfortable temperature, comfortable furniture, the means of preparing meals, staying more or less hygienic and an opportunity to get away from a greedy, hostile society and the hard grind of toil as well as being a haven from bad weather.
How much is the place where you reside a “home”? Or is it just a “house”, a safe, cold, castle cluttered with meaningless expensive junk?
Paul
“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, German philosopher, poet, composer
This gentleman said a lot of things that are mind-bogglingly dumb, but this is one quote that I can heartily endorse. In any situation; work, home, at play – there needs to be a covenant of basic friendship for it all to work out. This is especially true in marriage, where the underlying goal is to build up your partner, even at the expense of your own interests.
Paul Toschi
From Awkward Solitude to Blessed Friendship
